Giving Names

We desire to understand the world by giving names to the things we see,
but these things are only the effects of something subtle.

When we see beyond the desire to use names,
we can sense the nameless cause of these effects.

--Lao Tzu

Ode to the Spell Check
Anonymous

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It cam with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew!

Well Said

Roger Ebert as the voice of reason? I thought he reviewed movies or something?

Stern vs Limbaugh. What's the diff?

Frankly, I can't stand either of the jokers.

Bob's Law: Some People Suck

I try to believe that people are basically good, that most people I encounter are good at heart and genuinely care about the people with whom they interact. In fact, I think 90 percent of people are probably nice folk. The other 10 percent, to quote an old acquaintance, "are assholes." And that's the basic idea behind Bob's Law: 90 percent of people are good and kind, the rest are assholes.

Lately, I've been struggling with the actions of those who fall in the 10 percent. Take yesterday, for instance. When Kathleen arrived home from school, she immediately burst into tears. The conversation went like this:

Derek: Are you okay?
Kathleen (tears rolling): I had a really bad day at work.
Derek: What happened?
Kathleen: I had to call Social Services.
Derek (dread fills heart): Oh, no.
Kathleen: One of my students kept saying that he didn't feel good. When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "My body hurts. My dad hits me too much."
Derek (holds Kathleen): I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I'm really sorry your student has to deal with that. Nobody deserves to be hit, especially a kid.
Kathleen: That's what I told him. I told him that it's not okay for his dad to hit him.

I'll never understand how a 300 pound man can justify pounding on a little kid. When I hear such stories, I struggle with my commitment to non-violence. Since Kathleen came home yesterday, I've daydreamed of confronting this dreg of humanity with an aluminum baseball bat. I don't want to kill him. I just want to hear him say, "My body hurts. That guy hits me too much."

Monday Manna . . . A Day Late

1. Playoff ticket for Denver Nuggets vs Minnesota Timberwolves, Game 3. Nuggets4Life!
2. Cinnamon swirl bagels.
3. AlterNet.org
4. Thich Nhat Hanh
5. Evening walks along the Highline Canal.
6. Calvin Schrag's The Self After Postmodernity
7. DVDs
8. Kaladi Brothers Coffee. Seriously, this independent coffee house & roaster has some of the best coffee beans to hit the planet. This is the place where I finally discovered the perfect cup of coffee. If you like coffee, try a pound of Puravida or Trieste (whole bean, of course). Make sure you keep your coffee beans frozen--freezing beans locks in moisture and flavor.
9. Diana Krall
10. Space.com. As someone fascinated with astronomy, this site provides the information I crave in language I understand.

Endless Jargon

"Not recognizing that there's no connection between term and meaning, those who wander in endless jargon get so exhausted."

-Adept Godrakpa, "Hermit of Go Cliffs"
Copyright Wisdom Publications 2001. Reprinted from "Daily Wisdom: 365 Buddhist Inspirations," edited by Josh Bartok

Fearless Prediction

Just so nobody can say I made my pick after the event, I'm predicting that the Nuggets will beat the Timberwolves in 7 games. Do the Nuggets really stand a chance? Who knows. If they win, I'm going to look like a genius.

Nuggets4Life!

Silly Girls, EMO's for Boys

I'm in the early stages of an academic piece on politically adversarial, female-fronted power-pop. At the heart of the piece, at least what I think will become the heart of the piece, is an examination of human agency, rock music, and political policy. Does rock music possess the ability to influence who we are and the decisions we make? While my piece focuses on the transformative potential of music, the potential to move our culture toward practices that are more egalitarian and just, what happens when rock and roll reinforces harmful beliefs, values, and attitudes? For one woman's opinion, read the following.

It is a genre made by and for adolescent and post adolescent boys, who make evident, in their lyrics and dominant aesthetic that their knowledge of actual living, breathing women is tiny enough to fit in a shoebox. Emo’s characteristic sensitive front is limited to self-sensitivity, it runs in a fanciful maze of reflexive self pity, rife with a vulnerability that is infinitely self-serving. It is a high stakes game of control—of “winning” or “losing” possession of the girl (see Dashboard Confessional, Brand New, New Found Glory and Glassjaw albums for prime examples) Yet, in the vulnerability there is no empathy, no peerage or parallelism. Emo’s yearning is not to identify with, or understand, but rather to enforce sexual hierarchy and omit women’s power via romanticide.

Rude Awakenings

MONDAY
Derek slumbers peacefully. Kathleen, who is getting ready to leave for work, races into the bedroom.

Kathleen (shouting): Derek! I need your help!
Derek (awakens immediately and shoots straight up in bed): What is it?!
Kathleen (frantic): The dogs are missing!
Derek: What the fuck do you mean the dogs are missing!
Kathleen (frantic): I took the poop to the dumpster and they were waiting on the sidewalk, like they always do. When I turned around, they were gone!
Derek (tosses sheets back and dives out of bed): Holy shit! We have to find them!
Kathleen (still frantic): I know! I know!
Derek (putting shirt on backwards, pulling on pants, oblivious to serious case of bedhead): Fuck.

Derek and Kathleen race downstairs and begin their frantic search. Within less than a minute, they find both dogs.

WEDNESDAY
7:30 AM. Kathleen is heading out the door and Derek is sleeping. The phone rings, disturbing Derek's sleep (he finally got to sleep at 3 AM*)

Derek (groans): Who the fuck is calling this early?!
(phone continues ringing--Kathleen can't reach the phone in time)

Derek (awake and angry). Jesus! Who calls at 7:30 in the morning?! (gets out of bed, storms to phone, and checks caller ID) I think it was your sister! Looks like her cell number. Grrrrrr. How many times do we have to ask her NOT to call before 9 AM. Just because she gets up at 6 AM, doesn't mean everyone else does. (checks message)

Laura (via voice mail): Kath, it's your sister. Give me a call tonight, okay? But don't call during American Idol. You know how I hate to have my television interrupted. Bye.

Derek (fuming): It WAS your sister. You're supposed to call her tonight. But not during American Idol. She doesn't want her TV disturbed. Are you fucking kidding me? She can't respect our 9 AM rule and we're not supposed to call during her fucking show?! When the fuck is that fucking show on? I'm fucking calling throughout the show. God damnit!

*I've been dealing with some wicked insomnia. Stress + back pain = little sleep.

Jedi Countdown

Only 400 days until Star Wars: Episode III is released in theaters. I'm still spoiler free.

WTF: LotP

Some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

Lord of the Peeps

In case I haven't made my position clear, peeps suck.

The Mighty Denver Nuggets

A couple weeks back I predicted the Denver Nuggets would fail to make the playoffs. This is one time I'm thrilled to be wrong.

THE NUGGETS ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!

Fuck, yeah!

Heroes

Here's an animated spoof of Clerks, the Kevin Smith film, that casts Marvel superheroes in the lead roles. The Silver Surfer and Galactus do Jay and Silent Bob? You gotta be kidding. Anyway, the animation took a while to load on my broadband connection. Non-broadbanders, beware.

Heroes

Monday Manna

Another list of the good things in my life.


1. The Powerpuff Girls.

2. The Denver Nuggets. If the Nuggets lose tonight, this could be a source of great disappointment. Regardless, this has been a fun year to be a Nuggets fan. I haven't been able to say that in almost a decade.

3. The Sonic Self: Musical Subjectivity and Signification, by Naomi Cumming. Read an excellent review here.

4. My Starbucks Barista Grinder has taken my coffee addiction to a new level.

5. Ella Enchanted. Kathleen and I saw this movie over the weekend. Very entertaining. Kathleen describes the film as a combination of The Princess Bride and A Knight's Tale. That description is right on the money. We loved Carey Elwes, Westley from The Princess Bride, as the villainous Prince Regent Edgar. If you catch the film, see if you think Prince Regent Edgar and his slithery advisor, Heston, were modelled after Prince John/Sir Hiss from Disney's Robin Hood. I think the live characters are an obvious homage to the animated classic. Prince Edgar/John even wear the same crown.

6. Dictionaries. We had a discussion about this at brunch yesterday.

7. Corel Wordperfect. Not everyone likes Microsoft Word.

8. Olive Oil and Aloe Soap.

9. Apple and cinnamon granola.

10. Everwood. One of the few, well-written programs on the WB.

Personal Jesus

Seven years ago, on an Easter Sunday not unlike today, I came to the realization I could no longer consider myself Christian. I was working as the Youth and Education Director for St. John's United Church of Christ when one of the young men in the youth group asked, "Derek, do you believe the resurrection really happened?" I paused, quickly considered the ramifications of what I was about to say, and told him the truth. I said, "I have a difficult time with all of the miracles in the Bible, the resurrection included. That doesn't mean the Bible doesn't have wonderful lessons regarding the way we should live our lives. I think it does. I believe the Bible is a collection of stories and parables written by people. I don't think it should taken literally." While I feared a total freakout by both the youth and their parents, nothing happened. Still, the moment was more than a little signficant for my personal spiritual journey. Christianity no longer provided the spiritual path I needed (and I know it still works for millions). Two months later, I was offered a full-time academic lectureship and resigned my position at St. John's.

Since that Easter, I've wandered an eclectic path consisting of Wicca, Buddhism, and Taoism. The writings of Starhawk, Buddha, Lao Tzu, the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh, and host of others provide an intricate, personal text of spiritual investigation. For the last several years, I've finally known spiritual peace.

While I won't be celebrating the Resurrection today, I did encounter a number of interesting articles that conjured up the memory of my last Easter.

Choose Your Own Jesus
Greatest Myth
President Jimmy Carter: A Compassionate Christian
The Eostar Bunny
Peeps

For the record, I think Peeps are the most heinous of Easter candy. Give me a Cadbury Creme Egg any day.

Foul Weather Friend?

The fighting in Iraq is the worst its been since the supposed end of the war, the National Security Advisor faces tough questions from the 9-11 commission, and where is the President? He's hanging out with his boys from the National Rifle Associate, Ducks Unlimited, and Pheasants Forever.

Unbelievable.

Absolute Freedom

If one is lonely neither in a crowd nor in the deep mountains, one is an able person who knows how to enjoy absolute freedom.

-Jae Woong Kim, "Polishing The Diamond"

Ow. Ow. Ow.

While I have a number of tattoos and piercings, this is one body modification I can do without. On second thought, a Green Lantern implant might be right up my alley.

Gratitude

While doing my regular web wandering, I stumbled across a message board post reminding us to be mindful of that for which we're grateful. Given the amount of criticizing I do on this blog, I thought I'd devote an entire entry to gratitude. Here are 10 things for which I'm grateful (in the order they came to mind).

1. Kathleen
2. Our menagerie of critters: Bishop, Clay, Java, Blossom, and Oz.
3. Turbo Tax.
4. Good & Plenty
5. Teen Titans Volume 3. This is presently my favorite comic book read.
6. Fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.
7. Controller.controller. I ordered their EP today.
8. My mom. She sent one of her silly "Hi from Mom--Please Read" emails this morning.
9. Coyotes. We could hear them playing in the open space last night.
10. Star Wars: The Clone Wars Animated Series. Who knew three minutes could be so enjoyable?

10 things for which I'm grateful in less than 10 minutes. I actually had to edit the list in order to keep it to ten. I'll save the extras for next week.

Television Injustice

Yet another quality television show has been cancelled. Wonderfalls, the quirky drama/comedy that follows the adventures of a young twentysomething who talks to inanimate objects, has been cancelled after FOUR EPISODES. What the fuck? How on earth can TV executives cancel a program after four freakin' episodes!? More importantly, how many thought-provoking programs will be cancelled in favor of yet another reality TV series? Next on Fox: High School Reunion Survivor for the Average Joe who Needs a Celebrity Makeover. More pablum for the below average intelligence of the typical U.S. American television viewer.

Fleeting Memories and the Right Hand of Doom

Despite an extremely hectic schedule, I managed to catch two very engaging, yet entirely different, films. The first film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, is one of the best films I've seen in a long, long time. At a time when I consider most films to be vacuous, form over substance faire, this piece proved touching and thought-provoking. In fact, this is one of the few films to ever bring me to tears. My eyes didn't just fill with tears--I wept openly and continued to do so for five minutes after the conclusion.

Hellboy falls on the opposite end of the tear-inducing spectrum. If you like comic book movies, Hellboy is for you. If you're looking for a deep message, you'll be hard-pressed to find one. Instead, this film is all about action, humor, and special effects. Need to escape reality for a couple hours? Hellboy should do the trick.

With a nod to Roger Ebert, I give both films two thumbs up.

Of Radioactive Breath and Rubber Suits

If you're a fan of Godzilla, the following is a must read:

Godzilla

For the record, I don't consider the 1998 Emmerich Godzilla, starring the very likeable Matthew Broderick, part of the official 'zilla canon. Seriously, how can you have a Godzilla who doesn't breathe radioactive fire? The very notion of a Godzilla who doesn't melt a tank or two in a movie is plain laughable.

The Sexiest

I don't know if these people are the sexiest in the world, but I find them sexier than those on the lame FHM list.

Women:
Gwen Stefani
Diana Krall
Sarah McLachlan
Natalie Portman
Drew Barrymore

Men:
Ted (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)
Johnny Depp
John Cusack
Avery Brooks (Captain Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine)
Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor, Smallville)

Britney isn't squat compared to the above ten.

WTF Department: Britney is the Sexiest?!

As Tek Whore points out, Britney Spears has been rated the sexiest woman in the world:

Are You Kidding Me?

Are you freakin' kidding me? Britney Spears? Argh! And someone described her voice as "sultry"? How about whiney? I'll generate Derek's List of Sexy People in my next post.

You Can be Gay, But I Don't Want to See it

That's the attitude perpetrated by most of the mainstream media outlets. We can see gay men teach straight men about fashion, food, decorating, hygiene, and culture, but we don't want to see them kiss. We can see a gay man be Grace's best friend, but we don't want to see him in an actual relationship. Quit acting like you're all accepting and multicultural, people! The truth of the matter is that most people are still wildly intolerant of gays and lesbians. Oh, you'll hear people speak of acceptance, but in practice they'll fall woefully short.

In fact, it was hard to leave it on for the length of time required to research this piece since not only is Playing It Straight ideologically offensive, it's also colossally boring.

Give Me Something for Which to Vote

When Senator Kerry emerged as the only serious Democratic contender in the race for the White House, I turned to Kathleen and said, "I'll probably piss off quite a few people, but I think I'm going to for myself on this year's Presidential ballot. Kerry definitely doesn't represent my interests and beliefs. He's Bush-lite. I wish Nader would run. He's the only person who talks about issues important to me." A few weeks later, I got my wish: Nader announced his candidacy. Within seconds of Nader's announcement, various Democrats spoke out against Nader. People said, "If you vote for Nader, you're jeopardizing our chance to take back the White House. You can't possibly be serious about supporting Nader! This isn't about Kerry, this is about defeating Bush!" Is it just me or does that sound suspiciously close to a "lesser-of-two-evils" argument? Let me get this straight, I'm not supposed to vote for the candidate who best represents my interests? I'm supposed to vote for candidate who I don't see as being significantly different from Bush? Here's the deal: voting for the lesser of two "evils" is still voting for "evil." Duh.

John Kerry can take is I-Voted-For-No-Child-Left-Behind-NAFTA-Patriot-Act-Military-Action-In-Iraq attitude and forget about my vote. When I run down his voting record, Kerry looks pretty damn similar to President Curious George.

Check out the following article for more wonderful tidbits about Senator Kerry:

Support My Positions!

Oh, and for those who despise President Curious George, like me, you can stop at Buzzflash for your daily dose of rage. Truth be told, I quit reading the page a couple months back. One stop at Buzzflash and I'm furious the rest of the day.

Icelandic Elves

The perfect vacation destination for the Lord of the Rings obsessed:

Pixies, Trolls and Viking Gods

I must confess, a trip revolving around the folk tales of Iceland has a certain appeal to me.

Sprinting Zombies?

Uh, aren't zombies supposed to be slow-witted and slow-moving menaces? Not anymore:

Turbo Zombies

While I enjoyed 28 Days Later, I did lament the loss of creeping zombies. There's something terrifying about a mass of unrelenting undead slowly overwhelming a victim.

Must. Not. Give. In. To. Dark. Side.

The offical Star Wars site has posted a description of Episode III:

After three long years of relentless fighting, the Clone Wars are nearly at an end. The Jedi Council dispatches Obi-Wan Kenobi to bring the deadly leader of the Separatist droid army to justice. Meanwhile, back on Coruscant, Chancellor Palpatine has grown in power. His sweeping political changes transform the war-weary Republic into the mighty Galactic Empire. To his closest ally, Anakin Skywalker, he reveals the true nature of power and the promised secrets of the Force in an attempt to lure him to the dark side.

Episode III

I'm trying to go spoiler free for the final episode. I honestly don't know if I can do it. I visit a number of Sci-Fi websites every day and whenever I see a SW headline, the cursor is automatically drawn in that direction. Must. Resist.

Only 429 days, 12 hours, and 29 minutes until opening day. I'll never make it.

Classic Rockin' and Roadin'

During the 80s, when my teenage peers were listening to the likes of Prince, Culture Club, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Madonna, and Cyndi Lauper, I hung out with a group of guys who listened to classic rock. Looking back, embracing rock and roll from the 60s and 70s was our way of rebelling against hegemonic musical tastes. The four of us (sometimes five or six, depending on whether Tommy and Steve were around) spent countless hours traversing the gravel roads of Weld County Colorado smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, bemoaning the trials and tribulations of teen life, and learning the meaning of friendship. During that all-too-fleeting two year period of the mid 80s, classic rock and roll provided a unique soundtrack to our journey. Almost 20 years later, any song by the The Beatles, The Who, The Rolling Stones, The Doors, Boston, Led Zeppelin, Janice Joplin, Queen, The Steve Miller Band, and a multitude of others, brings back a few fading memories. I think I might even remember each of our favorite bands (this might be pushing it): Jay--Yes, Saul--Three Dog Night (at the very least he went through a Three Dog Night phase), Chuck--The Eagles, Steve--Chicago (he also had all of Rick Wakeman's solo albums), Me--The Beatles, Boston, or Queen's soundtrack to Flash Gordon (?). To be honest, I can't remember my own favorite band during my high school years. How odd is that?

What conjured these memories to mind is an article about one of the classic rock and roll acts of the 70s. Oddly enough, the band has experienced a degree of longevity that most classic rock acts can't match.

Fleetwood Mac: Going Their Own Way

I wonder if I still have a copy of Rumours round here somewhere?

Going Down

Several weeks ago, I had a discussion with my friend Bob about the Nuggets' playoff hopes. He predicted they'd back into the playoffs as an 8th seed. I had this to say:

"If the Nuggets lose their next home game--I think they're playing Indiana--they will not make the playoffs."

Well, that next home game was indeed against Indiana and the Nuggets lost by 9. After lost night's loss to Detroit and Utah's win against Cleveland, the boys in dainty metallic blue are clinging to a playoff spot by a 1/2 game. As I've been saying to Nuggets' fans all season, enjoy the much improved basketball but don't get your hopes up for the playoffs. There's still a lot to be done to make this a winning basketball team.

True Compassion

True compassion is not based upon any expectation of a reward for the act done.

--The Dalai Lama

Dork Cool

Last week, Kathleen gave me a hilarious birthday card. The card reads, "You're always on the right side of that fine line between cool and dorky." I can live with that.

Dork cool rules!

Propaganda Model: Reliance on Government Experts

According to Herman and Chomsky's propaganda model, there are five filters through which media dispersed information must pass before reaching the public. The third of these filters is the reliance on government/corporate/institutional experts for information. As the following article attests, relying on these "experts" can be problematic. When attending a government press conference, for example, information can be manipulated or witheld.

Michael Wolff, a columnist for New York magazine, drew hearty applause from reporters when he asked Brig. Gen. Vincent Brooks, one of the command's chief spokesmen, during a briefing why we should attend when so little information was forthcoming.

Every reporter I knew concurred with the evaluation of the press center that appeared in Wolff's next column: "It takes about 48 hours to understand that information is probably more freely available at any other place in the world than it is here.

Randomness

I bought some Soy Candles at last weekend's Metaphysical Fair. Unlike their petroleum based counterparts, soy candles give off zero soot. Kathleen bought a small labradorite pendant. Labradorite reputedly enhances self-awareness, promotes balance, and brings clarity to inner sight.

I'm presently reading Star Trek: The Sundered, Discerning the Subject, and Performing Rites: On the Value of Popular Music. Any guesses as to which book is for pleasure and which are for my academic writing?

While I turned 36 last Thursday, I feel like I'm still in my mid 20s. I received Aveda Clove Shampoo and Clove Conditioner as one of my birthday gifts. I love the way cloves taste and smell.

A waiter at a local restaurant recently approached me and said, "You look like the lead singer of the Ramones." I thanked him for the compliment, then turned to Kathleen and said, "Is that guy stoned? I don't look anything like Joey Ramone." My in-laws were lost during the entire exchange.

I have been clean and sober for 3,940 days. I haven't smoked in 288 days.

Rock and Roll Crayons

One of the music sites I visit, Olympian Shadow Farm, is having a contest of sorts. The contest revolves around creating a box of rock and roll, punk, and jazz based Crayola Crayons. The idea is to create an entire box of music inspired crayons. Pretty cool, eh? Here are the colors I submitted to the contest:

Blondie (a light, almost white, yellow)
Johnny Rotten Apple (dark rust)
Osmond (metallic purple, like Donny's socks)
Starship Trooper (metallic black)
Blue Oyster Cult (blue tinted mother-of-pearl)
Muddy Waters (creamy brown)
Rocket Man (red glitter)
Pinball Wizard (silver)

Submit your own colors via comments!

I should also note that Steve Davis, a member of many of the Olympian Shadow Farms bands, is my cousin. Steve is not only a talented guitarist, but also writes a semi-regular column for the site:

Here Goes Nothin'

The WTF Department

This is too damn funny. Just what every woman wanted to know.

A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing Up

Be sure to check out the multiple methods!

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?


obsessive compulsive


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

There's a bit of truth in that description.

Horrid

Last post was about a great comic book cover. This post includes some of the worst.

Ugh

Chaplains at War? Did anyone really read that?

The Hulk vs Iron Man!

Talk about a cool comic cover!

Whoa

Are those hip pods I see on Iron Man? How long has it been since the Iron Man armor sported hip pods?! A new armor firmly rooted in the past. I love it.

Escapist People

Are geeks really all that socially inept? Do we all retreat to our fantasy realms, hiding in the expanses of the Star Wars universe, the realms of Middle Earth, or the time-space continuum of Dr. Who? According to this piece, geek cool could be the end of humanity.

And the Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth

Balderdash! If anything, geek cool is humanity's path to salvation. To be perfectly honest, the only people with whom I keep in touch consider themselves geeks. We talk movies, comic books, on-line games, literature, and all things fantasy/science fiction. Most of the same people enjoy those artifacts because they have substance. Have you taken a look at television (the pastime of "normal" folks), lately? Sitcoms and reality television? Vaccuous nonsense. There isn't a redeeming quality to most television programs. Question: What's the consistent theme of Friends? Answer: Stick with the same friends long enough and eventually everyone will sleep with everyone else! Question: What's the message behind The Apprentice? Answer: Do anything to win! Sex and questionable ethics are fair game if it means avoiding Trump's board room. Contrast any sitcom with the spiritual messages of Star Wars (redemption), Lord of the Rings (good triumphs over evil), or even Spiderman (with great power comes great responsibility), and I think you'll find the more substantive message in the realm of science fiction/fantasy.

Personally, I can't wait for the day when everything is run by geeks.

Hangover Blues

Maybe it's because I haven't had a drink in almost eleven years, but isn't the following list missing the most obvious hangover cure?

Hangover

The most obvious cure: DON'T DRINK TO EXCESS. Would you believe I've gone over a decade without having a hangover? Amazing! No liquor = no hangover. It defies logic!

The second most obvious cure (and one that I used several times a week during the good old days): take four ibuprofen, fill the bathtub with steaming hot water (it should kind of hurt to get in), and lay on your back so only your nose is above water. Bake for fifteen minutes. If you don't fall asleep and drown, the old bathtub-head-bake should serve you well. Follow up with a 32 oz Diet Pepsi and a pack of Winterfresh gum.

I used to think the gum masked the smell of alcohol on my breath. Today, I realize I probably walked around smelling like wintergreen schnapps. Mmmmmmmm. ::wretch::

Are You A Wrestler?

Setting: Derek is fifteen minutes into his workout. He's running 7.5 mph on a treadmill. A woman approaches the front of the treadmill and speaks.

Woman: Are you wrestler?
Derek ::trying to breathe and talk at the same time:: What?!
Woman: A wrestler. My son is a wrestler.
Derek: Uh, no. I'm not a wrestler.
Woman: Really? You look just like the high school state champion.
Derek: I'm a little old to be a high school wrestler. I'm a college instructor, not a wrestler.
Woman: You're kidding!?
Derek: Nope. I'm about 18 years too old be a high school wrestler.
Woman: Wow. You look so young. Sorry about that.
Derek: No problem. I'll take it as a compliment.

I guess my new Obsessively Organic Eye Repair Creme must be working.

You Have a Beautiful Home . . . For Me to Poop On!

Eeeeewwwwwww

Make sure you check out the slideshow.

Go Cubs

Almost forgot: less than one month before the Cubs begin their march to the World Series! Woohoo!

Class Act

As an NBA fan, I often struggle with the immense egos of the players. Clearly, the NBA is an "I" league; it's all about the superstars. From time to time, however, you run across one of those players who seems like a throwback to the NBA of the past. Ryan Bowen of the Denver Nuggets is such a player.

Winning over Whining

Rather than whining about the "injury" that put him on the injured list, Bowen takes it for the team. Contrast that attitude with Marcus Camby (aka Mr. Glass) who refused to go on the injured list, despite a number of real nagging injuries. Why to take one for the team, Camby.

bowdlerize

bowdlerize \BODE-luh-rise; BOWD-\, transitive verb:
1. To remove or modify the parts (of a book, for example)
considered offensive.
2. To modify, as by shortening, simplifying, or distorting in
style or content.

The president did not call for bowdlerizing all
entertainment, but stressed keeping unsuitable material
away from the eyes of children.
--"Conference a start toward loosening grip of violence,"
Atlanta Journal, May 12, 1999

His tempestuous high school years are touched upon in a
delightful scene where the precocious Roy infuriates his
English teacher by trying to restore some of Shakespeare's
saucier lines to that classroom's bowdlerized study of
Hamlet.
--Herman Goodden, "A Few Scenes in the Life of Roy
McDonald," [1]London Free Press, December 7, 2000

He added that he bowdlerized some of the lyrics --
substituting "jerk" and "butt" for some less printable
words.
--Lloyd Grove, "The Reliable Source," [2]Washington Post,
February 15, 2001
_________________________________________________________

Bowdlerize derives from the name Thomas Bowdler, an editor in
Victorian times who rewrote Shakespeare, removing all
profanity and sexual references so as not to offend the
sensibilities of the audiences of his day.

References

1. http://www.fyilondon.com/londonfreepress/index.shtml
2. http://www.washingtonpost.com/

Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=9&q=bowdlerize

Archaeological Coolness

If I had to be someone other than I am today, I'd want to be Indiana Jones.

Tuscany Excalibur
Roanoke
King of Stonehenge

I doubt these expeditions will encounter Nazis, Hindu magic, or the Holy Grail, but one never knows.

The Number of the Beast

Ahahahaha! The Passion buzz just gets better and better:

666

It's a number--sit down and watch your damn movie.

Nice Guys Who Smell Good

I found this message posted on The Muffs message board:

hi
please stop by www.bxlmusic.com
we are nice guys and smell good
were a dorky indie band from so cal

I have NO idea if this band is any good and really don't care. The "nice guys who smell good" approach made me chuckle.

Impeccable Logic. Not.

Sticking with the religious themed posts of late, here's a great story about a group of Christian ministers claiming to be victims of intolerance. The ministers, who promote the use of prayer at a local school board meeting, insist they're being singled out by critics. As the the self-righteous Godly men have never complained about the use of other spiritual practices to open the meeting, they've annointed themselves the epitome of tolerance. Well, it's pretty easy to be tolerant of other spiritual groups WHEN NONE HAVE EVER BEEN ALLOWED TO OPEN A MEETING. That's right, the only group to ever open the Manatee County School Board meetings is this particular group of Christian ministers. To defend their position, they've hired a lawyer who offers the following piece of impeccable logic:

Bill Curphey, a Bradenton lawyer fighting for the Christian-dominated status quo, says he will argue that the prayer practice is constitutional and legal because it fits "community standards." "If a local community should have the right to determine what kind of pornography they have," Curphey has said, "why shouldn't a community be able to decide what kind of invocation they want at a public meeting?"


Nice one, Curphey. Great argument by analogy ::rolls eyes::

Satan Goes Digital

The composer for The Passion of the Christ claims he battled Satan while writing the score.

Are You Kidding Me?

The stories around this film are getting more and more ridiculous. Mel Gibson channeled the Holy Spirit, the composer battled Satan, some viewer was so moved by the movie that she had a heart attack, blah, blah, blah.

This is a freakin' MOVIE people. This is Mel Gibson's interpretation of a biblical story. God did not work through Gibson, this film will not convert millions of non-believers, and critics who pan the film are not being influenced by Satan. In fact, I think I'll skip this film altogether. Why would I expose myself to more Christian propaganda? It's not like I don't hear enough from the President every damn week.

For those who consider themselves Christians: enjoy the film, find solace in your spiritual path, and please don't let my non-believer status keep you up at night. I'll be just fine, thanks.

Slap the Monkey!

Hours of entertainment await:

Slap Away

Jesus Java

Sip your morning coffee out of a mug emblazoned with the suffering Son of God! Mmmmmmm. He died for your dark roast.

Commodifying Christianity

I think I'll stick with my Marvel Comics coffee mugs featuring Captain America, Daredevil, Spiderman, and The Hulk.

Mania!

For the most part, the schedule of an academic is pretty relaxed. Other than the 15 hours a week spent in the classroom and office hours, my schedule is my own to keep. If I want to write or grade papers late at night, that's my perogative. If I want to sleep late on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday* and grade papers in the afternoon, no problem. Still, there are about four times during a semester when things get exceedingly hectic. It doesn't help that I'm an ABD Ph.D. candidate working on a dissertation, trying to get published, and searching for a tenure-track position. This weekend, for example, everything came crashing in at the same time. I graded 100 Communication and Popular Culture papers, compiled a job application for a full-time position (vita, teaching philosophy, research statement, evaluations, sample syllabi, writing sample, transcripts--my app looks like a freakin' book), and finished a journal article (which will be sent out on Friday ::crosses fingers::). Despite the hecticness of it all, I actually feel surprisingly good. My back is killing me, a sure sign that I'm repressing some stress, but I feel great mentally. Today is a day to recuperate a bit. I'm doing some journal reading, catching up on email, and hoping to go for a long run late in the afternoon. After that, Smallvilleand Angel with Kathleen.

Life is good.

*8:30 is late these days. How pathetic is that?

It's Called Civil Rights

Gay marriage is simply the logical and appropriate extension of the idea that in a constitutionally limited democratic republic a vital function of government is to protect the rights of minorities. It's called "civil rights."

Response to Gene's Comment

Looks like comments might be on the blink. I really need to look into a more reliable comment system. If anyone has a suggestion, post a comment. hehehe.

Anyway, here's my response to Gene's response regarding my Husker Du comment.

I was just kidding about Husker Du, Gene. Great piece on Mould's log. The music industry has sold out for the equivalent of the news soundbite. A bit on a commercial or Smallville has become more important than the actual music (& artists). I suppose that's why I spend so much time trying to find relatively unknown artists who are unlikely to "make it big." BTW, I flipped out a couple nights ago when I heard Blondie being used to promote some brand of chips. Aargh!!!

Life On Mars!

Martian Crabs

I knew it!

Star Wars: Elite Forces!

I'm not sure what possessed me to do this, but I looked up an old Star Wars chat-based game I started back in 1996. Would you believe there are still a handful of folks playing?

SWEF

The game has morphed considerably over the years, but you can still see traces of my influence throughout. If I put together a game today, something I've often considered, I'd do it very differently. The Jedi-oriented, Clone Wars campaign would be much more free form (no "positions" and minimal leadership) and would require players to take an active role in the creation of storylines (maybe even a rotating GM type thing). Rather than creating "positions," I'd have players write up detailed character profiles and leave it at that. Any "specializations" (skilled with Jedi Mind Trick, attuned to the living Force, skilled with healing, etc.) would simply be written into the character profile. Having spent several years playing on-line RPGs, this type of game would be oriented toward the more mature members of the gaming audience. Mature in that the players would be interested in rich-storytelling and fun instead of climbing up the "ranks."

There are days when I miss being involved in the on-line gaming community. Correction: about twice a year I miss being involved in the on-line gaming community.

Same-Sex Marriage: Give It the Test

A couple months ago, I suggested a way to determine whether or not a particular practice could be considered discriminatory. Time to the apply the test. Let's start with the facts. Of the 50 U.S. states, 38 prohibit same-sex marriage. Apply the test:

Of the 50 U.S. states, 38 prohibit [interracial] marriage.

Remember, it wasn't all that long ago that people thought interracial marriage was the end of world. Sadly, many people still feel that way. Imagine what people would thing if President Bush made comments like the following about interracial marriage:

"I have watched carefully what's happening in San Francisco, where licenses were being issued, even though the law states otherwise," Bush said. "I have consistently stated that I'll support law to protect marriage between a man and a woman. Obviously these events are influencing my decision."

Applying the test: I have consistently stated that I'll support law to protect marriage between a [white] man and a [white] woman.

Now does that sound silly or what? Am I the only person who sees this? Additionally, why does Bush think marriage between a man and woman needs protecting? Protected from what?! I challenge anyone to show me how same-sex marriage poses ANY threat to a single marriage between a man and woman.

Killing the Music

Don Henly has written an excellent piece on the crisis facing the music industry. According to Don, multinational corporations are much to blame.

artists must regain control, as much as possible, over their music

Preach on, Brother Don.

A Note from Joss Whedon

Some of you may have heard the hilarious news. I thought this would be a good time to weigh in. to answer some obvious questions: No, we had no idea this was coming. Yes, we will finish out the season. No, I don't think the WB is doing the right thing. Yes, I'm grateful they did it early enough for my people to find other jobs.

Yes, my heart is breaking.

When Buffy ended, I was tapped out and ready to send it off. When Firefly got the axe, I went into a state of denial so huge it may very well cause a movie. But Angel... we really were starting to feel like we were on top, hitting our stride -- and then we strode right into the Pit of Snakes 'n' Lava. I'm so into these characters, these actors, the situations we're building... you wanna know how I feel? Watch the first act of "The Body."

As far as TV movies or whatever, I'm not thinking that far ahead. I actually hope my actors and writers are all too busy. We always planned this season finale to be a great capper to the season and the show in general. (And a great platform for a new season, of course.) We'll proceed ahead as planned.

I've never made mainstream TV very well. I like surprises, and TV isn't about surprises, unless the surprise is who gets voted off of something. I've been lucky to sneak this strange, strange show over the airwaves for as long as I have. I don't FEEL lucky, but I understand that I am.

Thanks all for your support, your community, and your perfectly sane devotion. It's meant a lot. I regret nothing (except the string of grisley murders in the 80's -- what was THAT all about?) Remember the words of the poet:

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn."

See you soon

-j

The message is posted somewhere in this thread.

Angel of Death

I'm not sure what the executives of Warner Bros. Television are thinking, but they've apparently decided to cancel their second highest rated program, Angel.

End of the Buffyverse

IMHO, Angel is one of a handful of decent programs on television. $50 says the WB replaces Angel with another reality television show. Reality television is dirt cheap programming. Unfortunately, you get what you pay for--reality TV is the most vacuous programming in the history of television. Seriously, do we really need more shows that focus on figures like Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice, and Tammy Faye? ::wretch::

A Matter Of Faith
by Christopher Brown
http://www.oldways.com

One of the biggest challenges for me as a witch is to live my life by
spiritual guidance rather than physical perception. It's a process
of trusting that the spiritual side of life is as real - or more
real - than the physical obstacles that appear in my path.

Back in my childhood, when I went to church with my parents, we were
admonished to follow the directive the Apostle Paul laid out in 2
Corinthians 5:7 ("We live by faith, not by sight.") It was a
challenge to
us as Christians to follow God's will and to believe that He had a
plan for us and our lives. The question I find myself asking is, as
pagans, should we live by the same principle?

It's an interesting question and one that challenges the very
theology we live by. Like most pagans, my beliefs and personal
pantheon are complex and not easy to define. I believe that all
things - animals, trees, the sky and earth - have a specific,
individual spirit. I believe that there is a higher power, that the
divine is complete enough to embrace both male and female qualities.
I believe that I have lived more than one lifetime and it is possible
that I may be reborn again. I even believe that each of us are
guided and aided by spiritual entities - I call them spirit guides -
that watch over us and help us on our path.

But do I believe that these guides and the spiritual world around me
is more real than the mundane challenges I face? Can I trust that,
should I follow the guidance of the spiritual world, that there will
be positive outcomes in my mundane life?

The first thing to consider is our current incarnation. If we
believe that we only live this one lifetime and there is nothing to
be found beyond the boundaries of death, then we should follow the
mundane. If this life is all we have, then the things we find here -
our challenges, our loved ones, our victories and defeats - should be
held in the highest regard. After all, if this is all we get, then
our life is defined by our accomplishments. Can we truly consider
our existence a success without the perfect spouse, the perfect
family, and the perfect career?

But if there is more to our existence than this single lifetime, we
find that we need to alter our perception. If there is something
beyond this incarnation, then this lifetime is but a single drop of
water in the sea of eternity. We can't carry our career, our car,
our house from one lifetime to the next. The only constant is our
spirit - or, for lack of a better term, our soul.

If our spirit is the constant denominator in all of our lifetimes, if
it is the only portion of us that exists beyond this lifetime, then
our focus should be not on the mundane, but on eternal spiritual
things.

This doesn't mean we should give up our families or our careers and
become hermits meditating in the wilderness. After all, the people
that fill our lives are also spiritual beings. By interacting with
them, we are given the opportunity to honor and respect the spirit
world as it manifests in their lives. This manifestation of spirit
includes the people that enter our lives, the natural world we live
in, and the spirit world that is ever present.

Early in my practice I used to pretend that I was being secretly
evaluated by a teacher from a mystery school, that should I pass the
tests they presented, I would be welcomed into a loving brotherhood
and shown the secrets of life. The tests were the encounters that I
had in daily life - the person who cut me off in traffic, the grouchy
sales person, the annoying co-worker - and my evaluation was based
solely on whether I was capable of loving them and treating them as
if they were spirits that I respected and honored. Instead of
yelling at the driver that cut me off, I would make room for a driver
that needed to get in my lane. Instead of scowling at the grouchy
salesperson, I'd smile and thank them for their help. I found this
approach to be an effective way to cultivate the proper perspective
and attitude in my own life.

But even with this tool there's still a missing component: How do we
honor the spirit world, our spirit guides, and our personal practices?

We listen.

When we are seeking direction in our lives, we typically have a
handful of choices in front of us. Regardless of how confused we may
be, in spite of our second-guessing, there is always an approach that
we know is the correct choice for us to make. We may simply feel
that it's right. It may be the only choice where we feel a small
sense of inner peace. We may find that it's the only approach that
doesn't elicit a nervous internal response.

That sign, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, is the
direction and guidance of the spiritual world. If our spirit is
truly eternal, if it's our soul that is the one part of us that
survives from lifetime to lifetime, then from a broader perspective
it's easy to conclude that the nurturing and education of our spirit
is where our focus should be. In the expanse of eternity, the effort
we expend in purchasing a dream car or a new trinket is lost and
forgotten in the sands of time. However, the energy we invest in
educating and nurturing our soul is carried with us from one life to
the next.

If it is understood that the education of our spirit is an eternal
process, and this world is fleeting, then on some level we must
instinctively understand that this life is essentially a training
ground. In this life, we face challenges. Our responses to those
challenges change who we are - in a sense, they alter our spirit. We
can take comfort in the knowledge that a student isn't given lessons
that they aren't prepared for - it's counter-productive. By the same
reasoning, we should see the challenges and struggles on our path as
opportunities for personal growth and betterment. These lessons are
specific for our lives, for the place we are on our path.

Which means, there must be a bigger plan.

Whether it's the aid of a spirit guide, an instinct that guides us, a
precognitive dream or vision, or feeling of peace about a difficult
decision, we're being given the direction to live our lives by
spiritual guidance rather than mundane perception. Seen through
mundane eye, our life is a chaotic wilderness of challenges and
obstacles, with no clear path to follow. By following the guidance
of spirit, we are shown a path, even if it is only the next step in
front of us.

So why do we struggle to follow the guidance of spirit if it's the
only clear path? Because the steps are challenging. To grow, we
must stretch beyond our comfort zones. If we were trying to develop
our physical bodies, we would continually increase the level of our
workout - our physical challenge - until we reached our goals. Each
workout would be harder than the one before. We'd lift more weight,
do more repetitions, add in exercises, run more distance, run faster,
and push our bodies until we're stiff and sore. Spiritual
development is much the same. Instead of sore muscles, we can find
ourselves with an aching heart. Instead of the challenge of leaving
a warm bed to go on our morning run, we struggle to move beyond our
comfort zone and the familiar limitations of our fears.

But much like physical exercise, spiritual development gets easier.
We find long stretches where everything is wonderful, much like a fit
athlete finds an element of fun in his or her physical endeavors.
Living life spiritually is a challenge, but its a challenge that each
and every one of us is capable of overcoming. All we need to do is
take the steps that spirit shows us.

soi-disant

soi-disant \swah-dee-ZAHN\, adjective:
Self-styled; so-called.

The study exposes most varieties of 'human resource
management' as a complete waste oftimes promoted by
soi-disant gurus and self-serving consultants with an eye
for a quick buck.
--"Support for an old-fashioned view," [1]Independent, May
12, 1994

The troupe, soi-disant egalitarians, mostly turn out to be
royal phonies.
--Craig Offman, "Whiz Kid," [2]Time, February 1, 1999
_________________________________________________________

Soi-disant comes from the French, from soi, "oneself" +
disant, "saying," present participle of dire, "to say."

Day of What?

Day of Purity my ass. If geek poster boys Jason and Josh (see the picture in the article) were ever confronted with possibility of sex with a classmate, they'd jump at the chance. A Day of Condoms would be far more appropriate.

"Your left hand declares your commitment. Your right hand is a declaration of independence."

Independent women of the world, march straight to your nearest jewelry store and pick out a right hand ring. What are you waiting for? This is the next "must have" of every 21st century woman. Forget Peter Jackson's fantasy epic and join the real Fellowship of the Ring.

I guess they have to do something to improve lagging sales.

Science Fiction Fans, Rejoice!

Finally, I'm a happy fanboy:

The Star Wars Trilogy on DVD!

For those who enjoyed the Sci-Fi Channel's take on Battlestar Galactica (I did), there's more to come.

Galactica

We Are Not Alone

Cool reading about the search for alien life:

Alien Search
Very Alien Indeed

"That's Not Natural." Guess Again.

Driving home from school on Thursday, I listened to an AM talk show debating the same sex marriage issue. When one of the two hosts asked callers to identify why they were opposed to same sex marriage, the answer was often the same. Callers usually said something close to the following: "Homosexuality isn't natural. We don't see homosexual behavior in animals. Animals engage in sex is for the purpose of procreation. Oh, and the Bible condemns homosexuality."

Maybe I've been a bit ahead of the curve (I'd like to think so), but I've known for over a decade that animals do engage in homosexual activity. A piece in the New York Times points out the following:

Then in 1999, Bruce Bagemihl published "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity" (St. Martin's Press), one of the first books of its kind to provide an overview of scholarly studies of same-sex behavior in animals. Mr. Bagemihl said homosexual behavior had been documented in some 450 species. (Homosexuality, he says, refers to any of these behaviors between members of the same sex: long-term bonding, sexual contact, courtship displays or the rearing of young.)

Let me emphasize this again: 450 species. Homosexuality, it appears, is a very natural act.

The debate regarding same sex marriage and homosexuality has frequently been situatuated within a natural vs unnatural context. Using the same logic presented by opponents of same sex marriage, the logical syllogism fleshes out something like this:

A behavior that isn't found in nature is unnatural.
Homosexuality isn't found in nature.
Homosexuaility is unnatural.

However, given the new scientific findings, the syllogism plays out as follows:

A behavior that isn't found in nature is an unnatural act.
Homosexuality is found in nature.
Homosexuality isn't unnatural.

As I've been arguing all along, this entire debate has nothing to do with science or logic. When you get right down to root of this debate, it's all about religion.

Leonard Nimoy: Geek Extraordinaire


Leonard Sings

::dazed:: I can't stop watching.

Larry Williams, Moron

"I went to Hooters for an hour, and six families came in for supper during that time," he said. "This is a chain restaurant with high standards."

As Aaron Sharp, a Hooters manager reminds us, "We give balloons to children; we have a kids' menu." And we give an eyefull to the adults. Balloons for the kids, Daisy Duke shorts for the dads, and a healthy dose of low self-esteem for the moms. Hooters caters to everyone! What a great model for success.


"High standards" and "Hooters" should never be used in the same conversation.

I Have Seen the Light. Repeatedly.

I think my opthamologist may be the most thorough eye care specialist on the planet. Truth be told, his entire office is in on the thoroughness. My hour-long visit consisted of countless bright lights piercing the interior of my eyeball, dozens of lenses ("Which is better, one or two?"), and an array of opthamological apparatuses. After all the testing was said and done, the good doctor thinks he's discovered the root of my vision problem. For the first time in my life, the vision in my left eye has improved. With the improved vision, my current contacts and glasses are too strong for my eye. In essence, my left lenses are over-correcting my vision problem. As a result, my eye is being strained throughout the day. By the time I switch to glasses in the evening, my eye is so taxed that it won't focus properly.

I'm hoping to order new glasses and contacts tomorrow. Within the next week or so, I should know if the doctor's diagnosis is accurate.

Ah, if all problems had this kind of simple solution . . .

Blur

Since 3rd grade, I haven't gone a single day without wearing glasses or contacts. Unlike many of my corrective lens wearing friends, I cannot function without some kind of visual assistance. How bad is my uncorrected vision? Pretty bad. In fact, I can't see the humongous "E" on the vision chart. When the opthamologist dims the lights and puts the illuminated chart on the screen, all I see is a bright blob. If I'm having a good day, I might be able to make out some kind of dark smudge (that would be the "E"). Fortunately, my eyes have always responded well to both contacts and glasses. Until recently.

Sometime last week, during my regular late night routine, I took out my contacts, put on my glasses, and noticed that the vision in my left eye was blurry. I took off my glasses, gave them a good cleaning, and put them back on my head. My vision was still blurry. It didn't take long to figure out I could still see fine with my right eye. I went through this same routine several days in a row.

Since last week, I've noticed a pattern. My vision is perfect early in the morning and gets progressively worse throughout the day. By the time I put on my glasses, I might as well not be wearing any kind of correction in my left eye. I have an appointment with my opthamologist of 23 years later this afternoon. I'm hoping this is nothing more than a form of eye strain, rather than something structural.

Kindness

The basic fact is that humanity survives through kindness, love and compassion. That human beings can develop these qualities is their real blessing.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

That Marvelous Mr. Monk

If you don't watch the USA Network's Monk, start immediately. I've watched this series from the start and I think it's one of the few television shows worth watching.

Friends Don't Let Friends Post Drunk

This is too funny NOT to post. The source and poster shall remain safely anonymous.

Alcoho,l is so fucking great. I mean ,really. I'm all brokenhearted and shizznitty too like our man *****,, only this chickie, not the same same chickie mentoined above, is probably wayt less deserving than his. But anyway, back to alcohol. I went happy houring right after work because the alternatve (not going to haopy hour) didn't sound so fucking greaZt. Two numbers that I have no fuckjing intention of calling, many ass clowns beat down at the foosball table, and I even got to subject some drunmk hippies to some really pointless stories that they were way too involved in, probably cause they smoke ditch weed and that shit just really messes with your contextual sensory receptor thingies. Shit, I think I was making ha;lf the shit up but maybve I wasn't. Does it matter? The question is so fucking moot, because the trick is too make sure you drink enough to get home, pet your dog, and then pass out happylike. Well, right after I butcher a couple songs on geetar and wake my yuppie fuck neighbors. So to summarize...the aerosmith thing was a jojke dammit, and ****, and make sure you drink enough that you can't use a phone. Phones suck and are a sure way to misery. SO are microwaves and reality tv but that's a converation for later. But they are kinda the same.


Don't drink and post. Ever.

When overused, terms of endearment such as "precious" lose their meaning

There's a lot of sensible advice in this article. If nothing else, the author offers a unique list of observations about the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

LOTR Dating Manual

tergiversation

Word of the Day for Tuesday January 13, 2004

tergiversation \tuhr-jiv-uhr-SAY-shuhn\, noun:
1. The act of practicing evasion or of being deliberately
ambiguous.
2. The act of abandoning a party or cause.

No doubt if I worked on it, I could evolve some kind of
double-talk that would get around the offensive phrase, and
make the, to me, face-saving implication; but to hell with
that, I have too much respect for the English language, and
for your understanding of it, to go in for tergiversation
and weasely circumlocution.
--Richard Gillman, "Standing Up to Ezra Pound," [1]New York
Times, August 25, 1991

Like most writers, I have always championed thrift....
Not long ago, however, I experienced an extraordinary
tergiversation. Now I'm an ally of excess, a proponent of
redundancy.
--Michael Norman, "When an Author's Words Are Sold by the
Pound," [2]New York Times, September 15, 1991
_________________________________________________________

Tergiversation comes from Latin tergiversatus, past participle
of tergiversari, "to turn one's back, to shift," from tergum,
"back" + versare, frequentative of vertere, "to turn." The
verb form is tergiversate.

Wordoftheday

Mars: Take Two

Opportunity, the second of two rovers sent to Mars, has now landed and a steam of pictures have already been sent back to Earth.

Opportunity Pics

I'm particularly intrigued by the pictures that depict the soil disturbance, presumably from airbag bounce and retraction. What is going on with the soil? Is it just me or does it look muddy? As Mars is a desert planet, mud probably isn't the right call. Good thing I'm not a geologist.

John Kerry: Member of the Intergalactic Banking Clan

This seals the deal. Anyone who appears in a Star Wars movie gets my vote.

Senator Kerry as San Hill

Farewell, Captain

Captain Kangaroo died today. One of my earliest memories revolves around my attempts to get a coat out of a closet. Captain Kangaroo was on a TV playing in the background. I kept jumping up, trying to dislodge the coat from the hanger. All the while, Captain Kangaroo was shouting, "help!" His shouts of help led to an increased level of frustration. Damn right I needed help. I was a 2-year-old trying to get my coat out of the closet!

Rest well, Captain.

Random Conversation: Impeccable Shoes

Stranger: You have impeccable taste in footwear.
Me: Thank you.

The impeccable shoes are the black and white wingtips (5 Eyelet B/W Wing Tip X). Oddly enough, comments about my dress happen on an almost daily basis (five of seven days, probably). Kathleen says it's one of the oddest things she's seen. People will walk across a parking lot to stop me, holler across a street, or offer a drive-by comment as I'm passing by. The most common comment, by far: "Is that the Green Lantern symobl on the back of your jacket? Cool. How did you do that?" Second most common comment: "Cool hair."

I don't know what it is, but random comments just seem to come my way. Strangers must find me approachable or something. Here are two odd conversations from the last couple weeks. The first happend at our local recreation center, the second in a movie theater restroom.

Scene I
::I'm laying on the floor doing ab crunches with my eyes closed::

Stranger: Hey!
Derek (startled, my eyes open): What?!
Stranger: Are you exercising or sleeping down there?
Derek (responds while crunching): Uh, exercising?
Stranger: Keep up the good work!
Derek (still crunching): Uh, okay.
Stranger (gives thumbs up).

Scene II
::I'm standing at a urinal, a stranger stands to my right::
Stranger (turns to look at me): Man, I could give a shit about the Lord of the Rings! For the last 20 minutes of that movie, all I could think about was the Lord of the Porcelain.
Me: Uh, yeah. That's a long movie. Good, though.
Stranger: Woooeeeh!
Me (scurries away as quickly as possible).

I really have no idea why these things happen to me. Regardless, I find the incidents more than a little amusing.

Geek Alert: The Importance of Being Gollum

Andy Serkis, the actor who provided the voice and basic motions for Gollum, has pulled 18 months worth of journal entries and published a book on the LOTR film experience.

Question: How exciting or interesting can a book about MAKING a film really be? I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan, but I've never read a book on the making of the movies. In fact, I think reading such a book would take away some of the magic of the movies. Give me the finished product. Thanks.

BTW--16 months prior to the release of SW: Episode III and I'm still spoiler free.

My I have some lime pork skin, cattle bones, and cattle hide product, please?

How many people know what's REALLY in Jello? This always comes up around the holidays when I have to explain that, as a vegetarian, I don't eat Jello. Actually, I didn't like Jello before I decided to avoid meat. There's something about it that just never worked for me.

a guide to integrating yourself into the visigoth scene, for normals and nongoths

Check out Gene's Guide to the Visigoth Scene. I'm going out to procure some cured hide armor later this afternoon. I'm thinking a visigoth research project may be in order.

Roosevelt High School

My former high school is featured in today's Denver Post. You'll notice that much of the article focuses on sports, particularly wrestling. Unfortunately, that's an accurate reflection of the value system in Johnstown, Colorado. If you weren't into sports, you were pretty low on the pecking order.

Roosevelt High School

Just to clarify: high school sucked.

A Guide To Integrating Yourself Into The Denver Goth Scene, For Normals and Nongoths

This piece appeared on the local Colorado Goth email list. Very amusing and right on the money.

As a long time member of the Denver Gothic Community (Goth Scene or
"The Scene"is sufficient for conversations between members of said group,
while "Gothic Community" is reserved for organizing public events,
interacting with the media, and flyers for bake sales) I have noticed a curious
phenomena.While most members of our subculture first began to identify
with it in High School or College, with some particularly precocious
individuals pointing out that they first starting writing bad poetry about
loneliness and graveyards in elementary school, there is a small but steady influx
of adults that "Get Turned" or "Go Goth". This can be observed at Onyx or
The Church, where careful observation will reveal, on occasion, a face you
have never seen before, dressed in unconscionably nongoth attire, looking
around fascinatedly with a kind of bewildered but thoughtful expression on
their face, only to appear the next week completely dressed in black, pale
makeup, and a corset or silver ankh thrown in for good measure, possibly both.
It is to these individuals that I provide this introductory set of
guidelines.

1.When in doubt of your attire, wear black. You may be confused by some
of the longtime members of the scene in good standing that wear other
colors or no black at all, but they have seniority. Your peach prom dress, while
perhaps sceaming "Look at me!" in a way often associated with Goth
fashion, will probably not have people looking at you the way you would like.

2.Hold no musical opinions until you have listened to about 10,000 CDs.
For the proper selection, got to Black&Read, Wax Trax, or another
independent record store, and ask for "Gothic", "Deathrock", "Industrial", and hope
the clerk knows what they're doing. Never admit that you have not heard of
a band or do not know the name of a song. (Note: this can be tricky, as
paticularily vicious Goths will invent nonexistent bands or songs to
see if you're bullshitting, in hope that you are so they can laugh at you
behind your back. Laughing Behind Other's Backs is a favorite pastime for
Goths.) If the subject of music comes up, Learn a few names like Peter Murphy,
Dead Can Dance, Skinny Puppy, and mention them, then excuse yourself for a
drink before you are caught out.

3.Dancing. If you feel the need to dance at a club, a look around you
at the dance floor will give you a selection of moves to practice at home
before you attempt them in public. You should take care to do this, as nothing
looks more pathetic than someone who tries the Jeff Low Bend and Twirl
and falls on their face.

4.Much to the dismay of many straight men that go slumming to Goth
night at a club, most Goth Women are not sluts. Your chances of getting laid at
Goth Night by someone you just met are exponentially less than, say,
anywhere in LoDo. Goth Men, however, are sluts.

5.Many Goths hate to be called Goth. They prefer Deathrocker, or
Rivithead, or say "Don't label me." Keep in mind that Goth pride themselves on
their individuality, so they hate being categorized. This can be said of
approxamately 99.92 percent of them.

6. Be Artistic. You must be creative in some form to be of any interest
to most Goths. Take up Origami, or reproducing famous paintings with
crayolas. If you have no talent whatsoever, write poetry.

7.Never say the name "Bijan" three times out loud. Trust me on this.

8.Have fond memories of Muddy's, Ground Zero, and the Wreck Room, even
if you were never there.The mention of any of these will cause such a
miasma of sentimental reminiscing that it will occur to no one that they never
saw you there.

I hope these tenets will aid in some small fashion those who might be
in need of them.

-Gabriel

Geek Joke

My friend Mike sent this joke yesterday. The secret behind our 20+ year friendship is simple: I'm the only one who laughs at his geeky puns & jokes.

A man was arrested at Sacramento International Airport today while trying to board a flight. The man, later identified as a public school teacher, was found in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator. Authorities believe the man is a member of the radical Al-Gebra group. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

::groans::

Slava Lamp

From the Rocky Mountain News sports section:

Slava Medvedenko lit up the Denver Nuggets, which one supposes would make him a Slava lamp.

What a complete and utter crap game by the "up-and-coming" Denver Nuggets. The Lakers, without three of their starting five, absolutely dismantled the boys in dainty metallic blue. Horrible. If they're ever going to make a real run at the playoffs and become recognized as a a respectable team, the Nuggets have to win games like last night. Although I'm certainly not an NBA analyst, I think the Nuggets are two players away from being a legitimate playoff team. A shooting guard (Voshon Lenard isn't the long-term answer--he should be coming off the bench as the offensive spark) and banging power forward or center (7-10 rebounds a night) would fit the bill.

So, a nod to Gene and his Lakers. You whooped us good.

WTF Department: Pick-up Lines

I think I may use some of these when I teach Interpersonal Communication this quickly approaching semester. Some of my favs include:

• Are you the tiger on the Frosted Flakes box? Because you’re looking "Grrrrreat!"

• Do you know karate? ’Cause your body sure is kickin’!

• I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

• If I had a nickel for every time I saw a woman as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

• Hi, I’m Mr. Right--I heard you were looking for me.

• Girl, you must have a license to drive me that crazy!!

• Are you from Tennessee? ’Cause you’re the only ten-I-see.

• My last name is "Visa," because I’m everywhere you want to be!

People don't really use lines like this, do they? Whatever happened to talking to someone about mutual interests? Doesn't that work anymore? Maybe it never did. Truth be told, I was pretty inept at the whole "approach" thing in my single days. In fact, I once went over two years without a date. One year of that was a self-imposed moratorium, the second was due to my own ineptitude. Actually, it was more like a paralyzing fear. I was so fearful of getting shot down that I never asked anyone out. How did I get over it? I never really did. That said, I started to apply some of the principles of public speaking to the dating scene. I maintained a calm & composed exterior while flipping out intenally. Hmmm . . . maybe it's time to compile that "dating tips for cool geeks" list.

Ran Pan

From a message board I frequent:

Short for random pandemonium, the term "ran pan" is occasionally invoked to underscore the bizarre disconnect between rational thought and the content of a particular thread.

I think my entire blog might qualify as "ran pan." Is there really a theme to this thing?

My Worst Nightmare

My name is Derek and I'm a coffee geek. I'm also a vegetarian. The latest food trend in Seattle, dusting a steak with an espresso blend, is enough to turn my stomach.

Espresso Steak

Why would anyone profane a delicious coffee grind with meat?! Bleh. Save the espresso for where it belongs--in my espresso cup.

Unknown Creature

This occured Friday morning at 5:00 am. I was only half awake and not wearing my glasses/contacts. Without some kind of vision correction, I'm essentially blind; I can see shapes and shades but not actual images.

Derek begins to roll out of bed and sees something on the floor
Derek (thinks to self): What the fuck is that?!
Jumps back into bed and tries to examine black thing scurrying on floor
Derek (still thinking to self): How did the cat get in the room? Wait, is that the rabbit? How did she get our of her cage? Um, the door to the room is closed. How did anything get in here. Shit! What is that thing?!
Kathleen, noticing Derek's alarm, shoots straight up in bed.
Kathleen: What's wrong!?
Derek: There's an unknown creature in our room.
Kathleen (panic creeps into voice): What? What the fuck does that mean?
Derek: It's on the floor, running around.
Kathleen looks at the area Derek's inspecting
Kathleen: It's Clay.
Kathleen flops back into bed and Derek tries to get his racing heart under control

So the unknown creature turned out to be Clay, our Keeshond. As a result of my groggy state and poor light (it was 5 am), I couldn't distinguish between the carpet and his body. All I could see was a dark blob, his face. He must have moved when I started to get out of bed, leading to my perception of an unknown creature running around the room. Kathleen and I have laughed hysterically about this episode for the last 24 hours. Last night, she admitted she was ready to run from the room when I mentioned, "unknown creature." She also asked, "What kind of person says 'There's an unknown creature in the room' rather than 'There's something in the room'?" Good question.

The Neocon Quiz

Are you a neoconservative? Take the quiz and find out:

Neocon Quiz

Would it surprise anyone to discover I'm considered a liberal? According the to quiz results, liberals can be described as follows.

Wary of American arrogance and hypocrisy
Trace much of today's anti-American hatred to previous US foreign policies.
Believe political solutions are inherently superior to military solutions
Believe the US is morally bound to intervene in humanitarian crises
Oppose American imperialism
Support international law, alliances, and agreements
Encourage US participation in the UN
Believe US economic policies must help lift up the world's poor

Historical liberal: President Woodrow Wilson
Modern liberal: President Jimmy Carter

How Many Times?

How many different groups need to confirm the fact that the Bush administration lied to the U.S. American people? Shouldn't the people of our country be outraged that our President actively perpetuated lies that lead to a major military operation, an operation in which thousands of people lost their lives (and continue to die)? This wasn't a lie to cover up marital infidelity (President Clinton) or the covert sale of missiles (President Reagan). This was a series of lies that lead to a war. Inexcusable.

Attention Media Outlets

To CNN, Fox News, CBS, ABC, NBC. Google News, Yahoo News, and any other source of news on this planet:

I don't give a shit about celebrity appearances, "public interest" stories (who's really interested in this crap?), or opinions. As such, the following "news" stories should be removed. Immediately.

1. Britney Spears' marriage and annulment.
2. Robert Duvall's opinion on Steven Spielberg's visit to Cuba.
3. Courtney Cox's pregnancy.
4. Liza Minnelli's divorce.
5. Kate Hudson's baby.
6. Steve Irwin & his baby feeding crocodiles.
7. Justin Timberlake's women.
8. Harrison Ford's divorce.
9. Anything about Edie Brickell
10. The determination of Tom Cruise.

Really. Take the stories down. Now. There are far more pressing matters facing our world. The very fact that you continue to call these stories "news" is an insult to the public.

Of Interest

Critics Critiqued
Frequently Misspelled Words

Lost in Space

While Spirit beams back spectacular images of the Martian landscape and prepares to investigate "Sleepy Hollow," researchers have yet to hear a bark from Beagle 2. Kudoes to the writer of the Beagle article for giving a nod to the science fiction classic, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. For those out of the science fiction loop, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep provided basic plot elements for the film Blade Runner. The director's cut of Blade Runneris still one of my favorite films.

Baby No Name

Sometime early this morning, my little sister gave birth to a 7 lb 6 oz boy. Since she and her husband have struggled to find the right name, the baby has been christened "baby no name" by the family. During our recent family Christmas gathering, I suggested the names Obiwan, Indiana, Theodoric, and Mephistopheles. All my suggestions were met with a resounding, "NO." Some people have no sense of creativity. They'll probably name the kid William, Robert, James or something normal that will result in a teenage identity crisis. Why not give the kid an unusual name? Sure, he'll get teased a bit during his public school years, but at least he'll have a unique name around which to forge a unique identity. Actually, I'm kind of glad Obiwan was rejected. Should Kathleen and I have any male children, I'll lobby fervently for Obiwan.