A Guide To Integrating Yourself Into The Denver Goth Scene, For Normals and Nongoths

This piece appeared on the local Colorado Goth email list. Very amusing and right on the money.

As a long time member of the Denver Gothic Community (Goth Scene or
"The Scene"is sufficient for conversations between members of said group,
while "Gothic Community" is reserved for organizing public events,
interacting with the media, and flyers for bake sales) I have noticed a curious
phenomena.While most members of our subculture first began to identify
with it in High School or College, with some particularly precocious
individuals pointing out that they first starting writing bad poetry about
loneliness and graveyards in elementary school, there is a small but steady influx
of adults that "Get Turned" or "Go Goth". This can be observed at Onyx or
The Church, where careful observation will reveal, on occasion, a face you
have never seen before, dressed in unconscionably nongoth attire, looking
around fascinatedly with a kind of bewildered but thoughtful expression on
their face, only to appear the next week completely dressed in black, pale
makeup, and a corset or silver ankh thrown in for good measure, possibly both.
It is to these individuals that I provide this introductory set of
guidelines.

1.When in doubt of your attire, wear black. You may be confused by some
of the longtime members of the scene in good standing that wear other
colors or no black at all, but they have seniority. Your peach prom dress, while
perhaps sceaming "Look at me!" in a way often associated with Goth
fashion, will probably not have people looking at you the way you would like.

2.Hold no musical opinions until you have listened to about 10,000 CDs.
For the proper selection, got to Black&Read, Wax Trax, or another
independent record store, and ask for "Gothic", "Deathrock", "Industrial", and hope
the clerk knows what they're doing. Never admit that you have not heard of
a band or do not know the name of a song. (Note: this can be tricky, as
paticularily vicious Goths will invent nonexistent bands or songs to
see if you're bullshitting, in hope that you are so they can laugh at you
behind your back. Laughing Behind Other's Backs is a favorite pastime for
Goths.) If the subject of music comes up, Learn a few names like Peter Murphy,
Dead Can Dance, Skinny Puppy, and mention them, then excuse yourself for a
drink before you are caught out.

3.Dancing. If you feel the need to dance at a club, a look around you
at the dance floor will give you a selection of moves to practice at home
before you attempt them in public. You should take care to do this, as nothing
looks more pathetic than someone who tries the Jeff Low Bend and Twirl
and falls on their face.

4.Much to the dismay of many straight men that go slumming to Goth
night at a club, most Goth Women are not sluts. Your chances of getting laid at
Goth Night by someone you just met are exponentially less than, say,
anywhere in LoDo. Goth Men, however, are sluts.

5.Many Goths hate to be called Goth. They prefer Deathrocker, or
Rivithead, or say "Don't label me." Keep in mind that Goth pride themselves on
their individuality, so they hate being categorized. This can be said of
approxamately 99.92 percent of them.

6. Be Artistic. You must be creative in some form to be of any interest
to most Goths. Take up Origami, or reproducing famous paintings with
crayolas. If you have no talent whatsoever, write poetry.

7.Never say the name "Bijan" three times out loud. Trust me on this.

8.Have fond memories of Muddy's, Ground Zero, and the Wreck Room, even
if you were never there.The mention of any of these will cause such a
miasma of sentimental reminiscing that it will occur to no one that they never
saw you there.

I hope these tenets will aid in some small fashion those who might be
in need of them.

-Gabriel