Recovery

Ten years ago tonight, at this very moment, I had my last drink of alcohol. I poured a half-finished can of Olympia beer down the sink, put on a pot of coffee, and started reading AA literature. Nine years of drinking finally caught up with me. I had my first blackout at sixteen, drove under the influence thousands of times, and hurt more people than most others do in a lifetime. My relationship with my family was hanging by a thread, my marriage was a shambles, my remaining friends could be counted on one hand (with fingers to spare), and my self-loathing had reached its zenith. I wasn't a particularly violent drunk, at least not with people. I avoided physical altercations with others, but tended to break things like windows, phones, answering machines, walls, and my bones (cracked patella, broken knuckles, and fractured elbow). I was, however, particularly nasty when it came to verbal altercations. I was arrogant, self-serving, and exceedingly angry. I drank when I was happy, sad, and indifferent.

When I tell people I'm in recovery they always ask, "What changed? Why did you decide to quit?" I wish I had an answer. All I know is that my life was spiralling out of control and, after my eighth beer on June 1, 1993, I decided I'd had enough. I attended my first AA meeting the following day and haven't had a drink since. Ten years later, my life has totally changed. My relationship with my family is better than ever, I'm engaged to be married, I don't have enough fingers and toes to count my friends, my self-loathing is virtually non-existant, and I'm happy most of the time. While I still possess a fiery temper, my anger is focused. I rarely get angry at individuals. Instead, most of my anger stems from what I perceive as social inequities and ills. I'm rarely nasty anymore, but consider myself a formidable debate opponent. Most importanly, I have a set of spiritual principles by which to live my life.

In ten years of sobriety, one lesson stands above the rest: All my problems are of my own making. I am responsible for the choices I make, the actions in which I engage, and the ways I attribute meaning to everyday occurances. If I get angry or frustrated at someone the question isn't, "How do I make them stop?" but "Why am I letting them get under my skin?" As an AA friend once said, "Why let someone live in your head rent free?" If I start to feel guilty about all the people I harmed during my drinking days the question isn't, "Why did I have to be an alcoholic?" The salient question is, "Why haven't you forgiven yourself?" I am responsible for everything I say, do, and feel.

Today, drinking isn't an answer to any of my problems. And for that I am grateful. As a friend of mine once said, "Everything is better when you're sober. Everything."